content.

Blah i had that moment where i didnt feel good enough. Every guy i would be interested in left me feeling like yea your coo too hang out with.. but your ugly.. i dont know.. negative thoughts usually come back to your appearance... well yea i just came to the conclusion some things arent ment to be.. looks dont really have anything to do with it.. if its not there its not there.. life's lessons right

anyway i hate when people say an artist has sold out because they are more popular.. i think all the bandwagon fans who werent listening from the beginning and arent listening for the right reasons are the sell-outs.. again my word isnt law just thats how i feel.

lol xoxo Charm.

The first

I think the first time you experience something changes the way you look at it forever. Remember the first time u burned yourself? yea you prolly hold the iron diff.. or dont play with matches... or dont get to close to the grease when cooking lol you dont want that feeling again..

well imagine being hurt... heartbroken real heartbreak for the first time then after you get over it you try again only to get stepped on by anyone else you thought worthy... there is always someone better than me... like me and one of my bestfriends said today why would he choose me when he could have her?
There is nothing special about me..and im not talking about appearence cuz i'[ve gotten over that i cant change how i look no matter how hard i try... but i can only be me i dont know how to be anyone else... or hide who i am... but it just feels like "me" is never enough.

Single.

yea cant say when i wrote this but i just found it in my old phone and i still feel the same ya know?

i guess the jokes on me
im the one hiding my soul
acting like its all good
that i have no one to hold
keeping my gaurd up
and my head down
holding on tight to the key to my heart
thats never been found
truth is being single i do hate
getting left out of group dates
and having no one to talk to cuz they cant relate
im smiling
even though its fake
and i try to stay positive
in my negative state
i try to believe all men are custom made
and try to push back the thought that they are all the same
but where is the one
who will bring truth to my statement
and kill this lonliness
i act like im okay with
untill then i'll kee up this facade
turn all those bridges into walls
and put all my faith in god

keep on forgetting to forget about you.

Today is one of my good friends bday! happy bday jacob only thing is he passed away two years ago :-/ so now his birthday is just a sad reminder of who he used to be and the role he played in my life. The big brother i never had and will never see again... killing part is when things like this happen u realize all the moments and time you wasted or put off thinking there will always be tomorrow... let me be the first to say there wont always be tomorrow because it is not promised to anyone.

sigh...

my life the past month projects and ehhhh projects :-) you know what i found funny u know how people say well if you hear something more than once maybe its not the people telling you its you... well what happens when u come across the same kind of dude does it mean they arent really lying, indecisive, selfish dudes... that its just me? ahahahaha hmmmm.... nah!!!!

anyway chillen listening to my sidekick (which i store music on) at tierrahs

xoxo charm.

Brand new eyes :-)

so today i went to the beach..with my little sisters everytime i watch the waves i just want to sit and watch them forever its so relaxing...
anyways a little secret of mines
when i need to really get away and think ... i drive to the santa monica pier usually just to think and listen to music and watch the waves and i usually go alone and tell no one... which is kinda bad i should always tell someone just in case u know i dont return home or something... lol well anyway back on topic one day i went and i just sat and listened to paramore's brand new eyes album... i swear the album is the soundtrack to my life i've never had a song tell the story of my life so i sat and watched the waves one day and played that whole album twice by the time it got cold i had it all figured out and all my thoughts together... i walked away looking at the world differently... i guess u can say the album changed my life that day but i think i changed my life that day...the album just helped and sparked everything that was already in my face...

some things people dont know about me
- i have a tight grip on reality meaning
my mind stretches beyond common sense and i was having this convo the other day... i think everyone has common sense by the way.. if a man beats the woman common sense tells the woman that being beaten is wrong.. common sense doesnt tell her she should leave.. becuz common sense is usually based off surface emotions and feelings... i dont know i cant go into detail about this writing lol but i mean if you get what i just said you are a smart individual... anyway back to my tight grip on reality lol i cant be naive about anything.. i wish i could... but at the same time im always happier knowing the truth.. the truth hurts something i learned a while back.. but i'd rather be hurt by the truth.. than be satisified with lies...

- i dont fault anyone who keeps it real
never will i hold a grudge towards someone who kept it 100 with me... u stole my car then confessed the first time confronted i will forgive you.. no animosity towards anyone who keeps it real.. (dont think this is an open invitation to steal my car lol)

- i will never ask a question where i cant deal with the answer
if i ask someone's opinion.. im prepared to hear the good n the bad... if im not up for hearing the negative and or constructive criticism i wont ask the question. if i express my feelings towards someone and then proceed to ask them how they feel about me i've already prepared my self for the possibilty of not getting the response i want... i wont hold animosity for them keeping it real either.. its just me though.. i just hate when people ask me questions and get angry when the answer they want isnt provided.. like thats life better look at the situation as a whole before u go cutting a slice out of it real talk..

anyway lol im rambling ahahahaha so im gonna cut this right here anyway here is one of the best songs of paramore's brand new eyes album its called playing god :-)



I can't make my own decisions
Or make any with precision
Well, maybe you should tie me up
So I don't go where you don't want me

You say that I've been changing
That I'm not just simply aging
Yeah, how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely
To be the only one who's holy

It's just my humble opinion
But it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view
If the only thing you see is you

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm half as good as it gets
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm on both sides of the fence
(I'll point you to the mirror)
Without a hint of regret
I'll hold you to it

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

I know you won't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Then break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

Im Not in LOVE or LUST

i really gotta find that person who doesnt think im weird i mean i think im just ME.. cuz there is no such thing as NORMAL.. Normal is word used to describe people who lack imagination, who are afraid to do something because they are too worried about what other people think so they follow the "accepted" and stay neutral ... seeing how thats the case more times than not i'd much rather be "weird". i can tell you what i hate though.. i hate having a good memory... sigh.. i remember everything... and my brain always automatically connects the pieces... so dont ever tell me two diff stories when lying cuz i will KNOW! i dont always say anything i just keep that tucked away in my CANT TRUST WHAT THESE PEOPLE SAY file in the back of mind. lol (and thats so true) so im up late blogging cuz i cant sleep. which is usually the case most nights... i dont have a sleeping disorder or anything im just a night person..

hmmmm [random]
things i dont believe in
-people changing... sometimes people really do posses the power to learn and grow from their mistakes and you can tell... but most of the time people never change they hide their flaws and realize they need to be sneakier next time so they dont get caught -_-

-Wishing.. i could wish for a million dollars doesn't mean it will appear (point proven) PRAYER is key

-Family though i love my family I've seen family do some things that shouldn't be forgiven because they are blood... they can be forgiven but because they are family isnt a valid reason... if that was the case they wouldn't have done anything so hurtful and or deceitful

-Love at first site... lowkey wondering if love exists im thinking love is just tolerance maybe that will change im only 20

speaking of love lol
when i was younger i used to think i'd be married and have kids
i dont see that happening... i dont think i can be in a relationship... i dont know how to be in one.. the longest one i was in was just seems like it was wasted time... and anytime i felt someone was worthy of starting another one with they didnt feel the same... how people manage to find that one is a puzzle to me... i can never seem to find a mutual situation where u just know the other person feels the same way you do... but like i said im 20 even though at times i feel old because i grew up so fast i know i prolly havent even lived a quarter of my life (yes im going to live to see 100 ahahaha if u did the math) :-)

im done rambling ima continue to listen to jagged edge night night world.

Charm.

Out of the blue

I dont even have to write how i feel ima let her tell u

This is the song i wake up and go to sleep too

Patiently Waiting - E. Cole

in a land void of vision
you found fertile ground
and proceeded to bury your seed
it was then that you started
to open my eyes
to a world full of possibilities
there is life to be found
in driest of bones
even pain can be found behind a smile
there is hope for the hopeless
and strength for the weak
so i know love will find us in time
so im patiently waiting for love
and im hoping that soon
it will find its way into our hearts
but until then
i guess i'll just have to be happy
with where we stand
just being your friend
you and i seem to share
more tha physical intrest
the interior seems to be key
your becoming to be
like teh lady that i've only seen
once or twice in my dreams
you have shown me so much in your silence
you have already made me see life differently
if i painted i'd color
the future we could have
but without love
im just chasing this dream
so im patiently waiting for love
and im hoping that soon
it will find its way into our hearts
but until then
i guess i'll just have to be happy
with where we stand
just being your friend
-e.cole

Letting Go

Letting go is the hardest thing to do... regardless of what your letting go of.. could be your house... your car...a past lover...a loved one passing on... WHY IS IT SO HARD? because no matter how hard you wanna let go of something memories always remain... and no matter how far you pushed them to the back of your mind there will always be something there to remind u.. i swear one of my old elementary schools had this smell to it that i will never forget and i stepped somewhere and all those memories came back to me. well anyway so i found this song.. and im so in love.. and its about letting go... i did the video since no one has ever really heard it.. and yea some words are misspelled but i didnt wanna have to publish it all over again but anyway enjoy! the lyrics are so simple but very powerful by the way his face doesnt match his beautiful voice but its okay
charm :-)