Overcast

i guess that you will always be
the part of me that i look back upon
with saddened eyes and wonder why it ever had to be
i guess that you have always known
the love i had for you was strong
but like a potted plant
im just a woman who needed room to grow

now i find myself alone again
guess i'll be alright i just don't know when
i spend all my days in the back of my mind
someone tell me why my sun wont shine

you say goodbye and then proceed to give me all the reasons why
you couldn't realize the dreams i had for you and me
its been awhile since you've been gone
i guess apart of me still holding on
to yesterdays
and crazy things
like the way we used to be...

cuz i've picked up all the pieces
you left behind
and i understood the reasons
i still wonder why
and this overcast is crazy
i cant see the light
i've been longing for the warm rays of the sunshine
cuz see i used to want you
and i used to hold you
and i used to want to be everything that you were..
TO ME.


this is a song by levi stephens called overcast.. sometimes tears really come to my eyes after hearing this.. cuz one person comes to mind.. a good friend of mines.. if it were up to me we'd be more than that..we were more than that for a lil while.. you know how that goes.. i stopped talking to him. i couldnt stand just being friends.. i know that if i were to find out he was with someone else i wouldnt even be angry.. I'd feel much better knowing he's happy even if its not with me.

I keep hearing how my time will come. but im over all that.. i get made a fool out of when i stop to believe HE COULD CHANGE ME. yea the last person i thought that about.. placed me in that friends with benefits mode. which i didnt mind cuz i knew in the back of my mind who i REALLY wanted... he found someone who he figured matched better with though.. which i aint mind just wish i coulda got the heads up on the change.. Truth is im happy for him too. Everything happens for a reason i've learned to take that statement and not stress myself trying to find out what those reasons are.

My clothing line is coming together so nicely
i have to sit back and give myself a pat on the back
im so excited that i found something that i can incorporate all my talents into.

Im so thankful for my friends i've had them all forever and one of them is moving on to do bigger and greater things in his life.. i hope one day he will return but im so proud he's taking a big leap forward to better himself. Sydney you will be missed and you know this. cant wait to come visit :-)

only place i can say how i truly feel...

you found me here
here in this place
and with everything that's happened
I've lost my way
and though i tried to change
it is what it is
i'm so afraid of starting over
i dont know where im to begin
see we all fall and every so often
we find ourselves caught in a moment
but were not lost
were just where we belong.

the days go by
and turn into weeks
but with every one that passes
i find no peace
so i let go
and try to put my fears to rest
see the initial hurt is over
now the healing must begin...

and god only know's where we go from here
im afraid still i know this... is where i belong


i found myself inside these tears
now i know my strength
inspite of the fear
and the doubt
its like im lost and im found
its beyond my control and i know
this is where i belong.


even though i have such positive things goin on in my life. There is always the negative. alot of things i cant FIX. i just decided instead of focusing on my feelings.. and fears.. and what i dont have.. i need to realize im right where im supposed to be. There is a lesson to be taught here even if i dont see the results until later. But im where i belong happy.. sad..angry.. heartbroken. This is where im supposed to be. IM RIGHT WHERE I BELONG.

no title

see personally im not searching for perfection
when you expect to much
nothing is what your left with
and im not the perfect person
so how can i expect you to be
but i want you to be able to look in the mirror
and see what i see
like wise i want to be able to do the same
but i know if i were too look at me through your eyes
i'd be in pain
cuz what you see is friendship
a good friend and nothing more
got me wishing i could buy love
but then it would still probably be something i cant afford

i trust my heart on so many levels
but i feel like it always leads me astray
i always find myself trying to keep
someone who doesnt want to stay
or i express my feelings
and they dont feel the same way
ask my friends for advice
diamora your beautiful he's missing out
but i wanna be beautiful on my insides
as well as out
and right now im feeling like im neither
though i know there's more to me than meets the eye
i aint found that person who's willing to give me a try

now im not complaining
just repetition gets old
and to love im a beginner
but to heartbreak im a pro
but who ever said you cant be happy and single
has probably had worst luck
and though i go to sleep alone
i havent given up.
-diamora

content.

Blah i had that moment where i didnt feel good enough. Every guy i would be interested in left me feeling like yea your coo too hang out with.. but your ugly.. i dont know.. negative thoughts usually come back to your appearance... well yea i just came to the conclusion some things arent ment to be.. looks dont really have anything to do with it.. if its not there its not there.. life's lessons right

anyway i hate when people say an artist has sold out because they are more popular.. i think all the bandwagon fans who werent listening from the beginning and arent listening for the right reasons are the sell-outs.. again my word isnt law just thats how i feel.

lol xoxo Charm.

The first

I think the first time you experience something changes the way you look at it forever. Remember the first time u burned yourself? yea you prolly hold the iron diff.. or dont play with matches... or dont get to close to the grease when cooking lol you dont want that feeling again..

well imagine being hurt... heartbroken real heartbreak for the first time then after you get over it you try again only to get stepped on by anyone else you thought worthy... there is always someone better than me... like me and one of my bestfriends said today why would he choose me when he could have her?
There is nothing special about me..and im not talking about appearence cuz i'[ve gotten over that i cant change how i look no matter how hard i try... but i can only be me i dont know how to be anyone else... or hide who i am... but it just feels like "me" is never enough.

Single.

yea cant say when i wrote this but i just found it in my old phone and i still feel the same ya know?

i guess the jokes on me
im the one hiding my soul
acting like its all good
that i have no one to hold
keeping my gaurd up
and my head down
holding on tight to the key to my heart
thats never been found
truth is being single i do hate
getting left out of group dates
and having no one to talk to cuz they cant relate
im smiling
even though its fake
and i try to stay positive
in my negative state
i try to believe all men are custom made
and try to push back the thought that they are all the same
but where is the one
who will bring truth to my statement
and kill this lonliness
i act like im okay with
untill then i'll kee up this facade
turn all those bridges into walls
and put all my faith in god

keep on forgetting to forget about you.

Today is one of my good friends bday! happy bday jacob only thing is he passed away two years ago :-/ so now his birthday is just a sad reminder of who he used to be and the role he played in my life. The big brother i never had and will never see again... killing part is when things like this happen u realize all the moments and time you wasted or put off thinking there will always be tomorrow... let me be the first to say there wont always be tomorrow because it is not promised to anyone.

sigh...

my life the past month projects and ehhhh projects :-) you know what i found funny u know how people say well if you hear something more than once maybe its not the people telling you its you... well what happens when u come across the same kind of dude does it mean they arent really lying, indecisive, selfish dudes... that its just me? ahahahaha hmmmm.... nah!!!!

anyway chillen listening to my sidekick (which i store music on) at tierrahs

xoxo charm.

Brand new eyes :-)

so today i went to the beach..with my little sisters everytime i watch the waves i just want to sit and watch them forever its so relaxing...
anyways a little secret of mines
when i need to really get away and think ... i drive to the santa monica pier usually just to think and listen to music and watch the waves and i usually go alone and tell no one... which is kinda bad i should always tell someone just in case u know i dont return home or something... lol well anyway back on topic one day i went and i just sat and listened to paramore's brand new eyes album... i swear the album is the soundtrack to my life i've never had a song tell the story of my life so i sat and watched the waves one day and played that whole album twice by the time it got cold i had it all figured out and all my thoughts together... i walked away looking at the world differently... i guess u can say the album changed my life that day but i think i changed my life that day...the album just helped and sparked everything that was already in my face...

some things people dont know about me
- i have a tight grip on reality meaning
my mind stretches beyond common sense and i was having this convo the other day... i think everyone has common sense by the way.. if a man beats the woman common sense tells the woman that being beaten is wrong.. common sense doesnt tell her she should leave.. becuz common sense is usually based off surface emotions and feelings... i dont know i cant go into detail about this writing lol but i mean if you get what i just said you are a smart individual... anyway back to my tight grip on reality lol i cant be naive about anything.. i wish i could... but at the same time im always happier knowing the truth.. the truth hurts something i learned a while back.. but i'd rather be hurt by the truth.. than be satisified with lies...

- i dont fault anyone who keeps it real
never will i hold a grudge towards someone who kept it 100 with me... u stole my car then confessed the first time confronted i will forgive you.. no animosity towards anyone who keeps it real.. (dont think this is an open invitation to steal my car lol)

- i will never ask a question where i cant deal with the answer
if i ask someone's opinion.. im prepared to hear the good n the bad... if im not up for hearing the negative and or constructive criticism i wont ask the question. if i express my feelings towards someone and then proceed to ask them how they feel about me i've already prepared my self for the possibilty of not getting the response i want... i wont hold animosity for them keeping it real either.. its just me though.. i just hate when people ask me questions and get angry when the answer they want isnt provided.. like thats life better look at the situation as a whole before u go cutting a slice out of it real talk..

anyway lol im rambling ahahahaha so im gonna cut this right here anyway here is one of the best songs of paramore's brand new eyes album its called playing god :-)



I can't make my own decisions
Or make any with precision
Well, maybe you should tie me up
So I don't go where you don't want me

You say that I've been changing
That I'm not just simply aging
Yeah, how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely
To be the only one who's holy

It's just my humble opinion
But it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view
If the only thing you see is you

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm half as good as it gets
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm on both sides of the fence
(I'll point you to the mirror)
Without a hint of regret
I'll hold you to it

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

I know you won't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Then break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

Im Not in LOVE or LUST

i really gotta find that person who doesnt think im weird i mean i think im just ME.. cuz there is no such thing as NORMAL.. Normal is word used to describe people who lack imagination, who are afraid to do something because they are too worried about what other people think so they follow the "accepted" and stay neutral ... seeing how thats the case more times than not i'd much rather be "weird". i can tell you what i hate though.. i hate having a good memory... sigh.. i remember everything... and my brain always automatically connects the pieces... so dont ever tell me two diff stories when lying cuz i will KNOW! i dont always say anything i just keep that tucked away in my CANT TRUST WHAT THESE PEOPLE SAY file in the back of mind. lol (and thats so true) so im up late blogging cuz i cant sleep. which is usually the case most nights... i dont have a sleeping disorder or anything im just a night person..

hmmmm [random]
things i dont believe in
-people changing... sometimes people really do posses the power to learn and grow from their mistakes and you can tell... but most of the time people never change they hide their flaws and realize they need to be sneakier next time so they dont get caught -_-

-Wishing.. i could wish for a million dollars doesn't mean it will appear (point proven) PRAYER is key

-Family though i love my family I've seen family do some things that shouldn't be forgiven because they are blood... they can be forgiven but because they are family isnt a valid reason... if that was the case they wouldn't have done anything so hurtful and or deceitful

-Love at first site... lowkey wondering if love exists im thinking love is just tolerance maybe that will change im only 20

speaking of love lol
when i was younger i used to think i'd be married and have kids
i dont see that happening... i dont think i can be in a relationship... i dont know how to be in one.. the longest one i was in was just seems like it was wasted time... and anytime i felt someone was worthy of starting another one with they didnt feel the same... how people manage to find that one is a puzzle to me... i can never seem to find a mutual situation where u just know the other person feels the same way you do... but like i said im 20 even though at times i feel old because i grew up so fast i know i prolly havent even lived a quarter of my life (yes im going to live to see 100 ahahaha if u did the math) :-)

im done rambling ima continue to listen to jagged edge night night world.

Charm.

Out of the blue